Ana buys a camera.
Confession:
I have not seen the movie yet. I made one of my pilgrimages to New Orleans to participate in a religious festival and pretty much all of my friends were too busy with their spiritual commitments to go see a movie with me, so I didn't, and so far, I haven't. Looks like it's successful, which everyone ought to have assumed despite all the inside-baseball grumblings about its problems. It being "good" or "bad" should never have weighed into our guesses about its popularity. The source material is not good, and it's the most successful human endeavor in history, basically, so why should it matter whether or no the movie is "good"? What does that even mean anymore? Ugh how postmodern.
But I will see it and I'll tell you all about it I swear.
Oh hey discussion question before we get started in earnest:
Is 50 Shades pornography?
A twitter-friend posed this and I think it's worth considering, because it's worth asking ourselves whether our value judgements RE: this shitty book are colored by sexist assumptions.
Because if it is porn, oughtn't we kind of shut up about it?
Which is a very fair point. Because if we accept the (deeply troubling) category / epithet "mommy porn" we shouldn't be comparing 50 Shades to like, books. We should be comparing it to "daddy porn" and I feel deeply, deeply unsettled by a) the term that I didn't coin and b) the gender-swapped version that I also typed and now I need to wash my hands but hey at least this will probably bump me up higher for search engines.
Ok back. Hands clean.
Right? If we compare 50 Shades to, let's say, any porn movie, 50 Shades starts to look pretty brill. Insightful! Carefully considered! Tightly plotted! And so on. So if that's the right comparison, if we call 50 Shades porn, then yeah. We're being unfair. I'm being particularly unfair because I've spent so mutterflushing much time being unfair. And should really be giving equal weight to reviews of [Go back later and make up a good name for some porn. Try to make it realistic without sounding too knowledgable.]
I'm going to disagree with the comparison, tho. I don't think the two things are strictly analogous, which I hope I'm saying not just because it serves me personally to be on this side of the argument.
Here's my main point: (Editor's note: pay attention, writers! Be sure to point out right before you make a main point.)
Pornography is consumed basically in private, whereas our collective adoration of 50 Shades is extremely public. Every airport I stepped into during my recent travels had at least one huge display outside a magazine store telling you to Buy. This. Book. Read it on the plane! Read it read it read it!
And all those stores certainly had copies of like, Look! Boobs! magazine or whatever, but those are obscured by tasteful blackout panels so that nobody accidentally looks at boobs without paying first. I think this public / private distinction is important. And it's why, I think, it's fair to think about 50 Shades a bit differently from the way we think about porn.
I also think that there's something false about the idea that porn for men is close-ups of sweaty bodies doing sweaty things to each other whereas porn for women is mostly a young woman moping about her feelings but having an orgasm every other chapter or so.
There's an argument that's fairly widespread which is that women and men access sexy thoughts in different parts of their brains or whatever and I don't buy it because it doesn't make sense.
If I walked into a women's clothing store and nothing fit me, it wouldn't necessarily prove that I don't want to wear clothes.
"Hey ladies! Check out this movie we made! It's designed specifically to optimally portray women as sex objects who exist for the gratification of men! It follows the arc of a man's sexual experience, and the 'climax,' if you will, is his own orgasmic climax, after which, the lady makes it clear that she is very happy because he is very happy."
"Oh are you not enjoying it? You must not like porn. Go read a book or some shit."
Look I know it's 2014 or whatever year it is. 2015? Maybe who knows. I don't write checks anymore or date my homework so I don't even know what day it is. OH FUCK I'M LATE FOR OWRK adslkfj
Well that was awkward. Anyway. Sorry. Done with work. Where were we?
Right. It's whatever year it is and I know there a million porns for absolutely every porn that will best porn your porn. (Editor's note: that's for our search rankings. Sorry.) And it's ubiquitous! Think about it! Our grandparents had to make do with like, cave paintings or naked playing cards or whatever and I can literally flip back and forth between this tab on my browser, and this other tab that's just playing porn on a constant loop all the time. Literally all the time! My computer came this way which I think is weird but tech support told me it was normal and so I don't question it. BRB.
Sorry. Wanted to catch this one good part.
So basically, I don't think it's quite correct to compare a book that people buy quite cheerfully and without shame and read on the bus or whatever and talk about with their friends to a thing that people do in private and don't discuss with anyone and clear their browser history after doing so that if they die nobody has to know they were doing it.
But!
And here's where I really blow your mind by being on literally every side of an argument! Like a goddamn mobius strip, this guy is. But! Yeah I think it's pretty obvs that this book is getting extra-scrutinized because it's for ladies. I mean there's also a thing where we think that books should be "smart" because most of us never read any books ever and assume that only real smart-asses read books. Real poindexter types only. Oh you enjoying that book, PROFESSOR? HA! Get a load of Professor Book here, guys!
So there's something about it being a book that we find confusing. Me not understand. Books make smart. But sexy tie book seem dumb. How book be dumb? Book make smart. Must discuss / mock / hit with stick because not understand and fear.
But here's a thing I just did: I just looked up the box office totals for the Transformers movies and guess what? Gross in the US only is over $1.3 billion dollars. Hey let's talk about that for a sec! Those movies are garbage. Just garbage. Like they're not even trying anymore and yet we can discuss their success in the low billions. Yeah that's in the low ten figures. No big deal. How is it fair that we're not talking all the time about how those things are just a shitcano and yet the shitcano has made more than a billion dollars in just this one country?
Well, it's a movie! For boys! And boys like dumb movies so that's fine. But 50 Shades is a book, for girls, and there's sex in it, and ladies read it and they probably think about sex and whoa did anybody even know that ladies thought about sex? I didn't even know ladies could have sex. I thought that was just a thing men did, right? Weird. This is super weird and I'm confused so we should talk about it.
TLDNR:
I don't think that 50 Shades is porn using my own definition of porn which which is basically "would you consume it on a bus or not?" But also, yeah--our reaction to it as a phenomenon is clearly colored by sexist assumptions and there's no way around that at all. And you aren't immune from this even if you're basically trying to write a fun feminist / marxist thesis about the whole thing, so don't even pretend!
Ugh do I really still have to write about a chapter of the book now? Gross. Grosssssss.
CHAPTER 4!
Wait what was even happening before?
Our story thus far:
Ana Steele is married to billionaire / kink-enthusiast / child-abuse survivor Christian Grey. He is domineering and they are usually upset with each other except for when they're having sex.
- Ana takes her top off on a beach while reminiscing about the wedding and Christian gets mad.
- They ride a jet-ski back to their honeymoon yacht and riding jet-skis cheers up Christian a bit. Then they have sex.
- Ana discovers that Christian gave her a bunch of hickies and she is angry. But then she gets over it and they look at art together and CG learns that there was a fire in his server room.
Oh right! There was a fire at Christian's server room so now he's just talking on the phone or whatever. Warning: this chapter is boring and about nothing.
I kinda figured at the end of Chapter 3 that our heroes would be heading to Seattle post haste but instead CG is chilling in his yacht office talking on the phone and Ana is bored and that's cool because I am too. Twinsies! She decides to go shopping and I get that feeling kind of like when you're watching a scary movie and you just dread what's going to happen next only in this case it's not that I expect to be scared. It's that I expect to be super bored.
Ana tells Taylor, the bodyguard, that she wants to take the jet ski and go shopping and Taylor is against this because Ana is a lady and thus incapable of operating a complex machine like a jet ski.
Ha! Ok. So mostly I quoted this because of the "plot" implications such as they are, but there are a couple of ridiculous things worth noting. I love how Ana knows that CG is super terrifying, but when Taylor is like, "Oh noes I'm scared of Christian!" she's like, "You're silly!" Also I love how long EL spends describing Ana pouting. About how the help isn't helping her properly. And then her exit--the confident striding past Taylor--makes it seem like Ana is all, "I'll show Taylor! I'm going to prove to this bodyguard that Christian loves his wife more than he loves his bodyguard!" Right?“I don’t want to bother Christian with this.”
He represses a sigh. “Mrs. Grey . . . um . . . I don’t think Mr. Grey would be
very comfortable with that, and I’d like to keep my job.”
Oh, for heaven’s sake! I want to roll my eyes at him, but I narrow them instead, sighing heavily and expressing, I think, the right amount of frustrated indignation that I am not mistress of my own destiny. Then again, I don’t want Christian mad at Taylor—or me, for that matter. Striding confidently past him, I knock on the study door and enter.
Oh but also? Ana is immediately scared as soon as she goes into the office: "Why do I feel like I’ve entered the principal’s office? This man had me in handcuffs yesterday. I refuse to be intimidated by him, he’s my husband damn it. I square my shoulders and give him a broad smile." That shit was just a show for Taylor, for no reason, other than to impress Taylor, I guess? Whatever.
Ana asks if she can go shopping and CG is like, "Yeah do all the shopping" because he's rich and also because he knows that ladies be shopping.
“Okay.” I want to kiss him. Hell, I can—he’s my husband. Strolling purposefully forward, I plant a kiss on his lips, surprising him.“Andrea, I’ll call you back,” he mutters. He puts the BlackBerry down on the desk behind him, pulls me into his embrace, and kisses me passionately. I am breathless when he releases me. His eyes are dark and needy.“You’re distracting me. I need to sort this, so I can get back to my honeymoon.” He runs an index finger down my face and caresses my chin, tilting my face up.What do you think about that "Hell, I can--he's my husband" part? Could EL still be including details to help catch up readers of her fanfic who didn't start at the beginning? Ugh I guess so. I mean what other explanation is there? Also, it's a small thing but I love how CG says "my honeymoon" because it just feels indicative of his whole attitude. He just does feel like a man who could look his wife in the eyes and say "my" honeymoon instead of "our" honeymoon.
Ana doesn't ask about the jet ski. She just goes to Taylor and implies that she asked about the jet ski so that Taylor will be more chill. Great! Ana totally proved Taylor's original point! Ana on a jet ski is a thing that CG would probably be a dick about, and Ana proved his point by not asking CG about it.
Anyway then we get a bunch of nothing about Ana learning how to use a jet ski. Yawn.
This rocks! No wonder Christian never lets me drive.
Rather than head for the shore and curtail the fun, I veer around to do a circuit of the stately Fair Lady. Wow—this is so much fun.
Oh geez. I like the first bit: "It is natural that my husband hoard fun things and not let me do them, because this book is a secret objectivist fantasy."
Look at that second pair of sentences tho. C'mon. Did nobody edit this? Of course nobody edited it. Fake writing tip: "Hey if you want to make sure people know that a character is enjoying herself, just have her use the word 'fun' a lot and then people will understand that fun is happening!"
Anyway CG sees her zipping around in her jet ski and he's obviously not happy but he's also not flipping out. Or at least if he is we don't know and that's fine. I prefer this book when he's hiding out in his office or whatever anyway so no problem there. They get to shore and Taylor tells Ana that CG is displeased. And we knew from the start that this was going to result in a fight because everything results in a fight so no surprises here.
Here's a fun bit:
I hate how Ana zigzags all the mutterflushing time. She knows that CG is super pissy, so she purposefully hid her jet ski adventures from him. And then when he does get mad, just like she knew he would, she's all "Oh noes! What have I done?!" I hate how she seems, at times, to delight in angering CG, but then flips out. This book would be so much better if she purposefully irritated CG to delight herself. That could legitimately be a fun dynamic! Kinda feels like EL has that idea, and can't pull it off, or else has that idea, but won't commit to it.
It's fine tho cause CG calls up Ana and she apologizes immediately. But it turns out that CG is, for the first time ever, chill. So I guess I'm bored that there's no dramatic tension in the book but relieved that we don't have to replay the constant happy / mad / sex / happy / mad / sex sine wave that dominates this trilogy. At least for the moment.
Here's what he says: “Well, far be it for me to curtail your fun, Mrs. Grey. Just be careful. Please.”
Jesus. I remember discussing the word "lam" with some fellow writing students years ago. "Lam" only works in the context of "on the lam" and so I'll be impressed if you can point me to any other usage. A word that literally only works as a cliché.
EL is like a cliché generator. Or like maybe CG is reading the book too and that's why he knows to use the word "curtail" because Ana just said it a page back. EL's overall vocabulary is quite limited, so when you see a word like "curtail" you almost know you'll be seeing it again, and soon.
After their phone conversation they repeat the same conversation again over emails on their respective blackberries because I don't know why. No idea why! Absolutely no excuse.
Ana immediately declares that she hates shopping after insisting on shopping. Ana lists several brands of things that she won't be purchasing and then goes into a touristy store and buys a cheap anklet and this makes her happy for reasons that are lost on me. Pinterest is a good site to consult if you want to buy your own. There are many, many, many versions for you to choose from.
Ana decides she needs to buy CG a present because EL has no idea what to do with these characters when they are apart from each other and is pretty much phoning it in.
Oh here's a cool part tho!
Oh snap! You are so goddamn right Ana! Having your photographer-friend José take naked pictures of you for CG is very daring! You have my attention, EL! The scene ends with Ana narrating, "I tell him my plan" and the "him" is José and the "plan" is, I am going to continue assuming, boudoir photography, perhaps with BDSM themes, since that's what CG is most into. Nice job, EL! Just when I thought this was going to be boring forever, you introduce this risky scheme. Really going to challenge CG's jealousy. I'm sure that this is going to pay off!
Next scene:
Huh. Ok well. Probably José didn't take any sexy photos since he's in Portland or wherever and Ana is in, I dunno, Europe? But José probably knows all photographers and was able to suggest a sexy photographer for Ana so I'm sure the present she's wrapping are sexy photos and when he sees them he's going to have to resolve an interesting conflict between his jealousy and his excitement about this gift. Can't wait for this to pay off, EL!
CG opens the gift and it's totally just a camera. Borrrrringggg. Nothing ever pays off.
Ok so this next scene? with the present? It's one of the worst in the series.
I mean I say that all the time, yes. And a person could make a case that any random scene in the entire series is one of the worst in the series, yes. But the problem, for me, is the way that this scene encapsulates some of the book's core weaknesses.
Basically, our heroes are working on their conflicts by repeating their parameters endlessly. We said at the beginning that when CG was trying to get Ana to be the sub to his dom, the most clichéd outcome, and therefore most likely outcome, was for them to meet somewhere in the middle. Meaning that CG wouldn't have total control over Ana's life--just the "regular" authority the patriarch might enjoy in the regular patriarchy. Yay! Happily ever after!
So they've basically reached that point. Reached it quite a while ago. But that doesn't stop us from circling around it endlessly. The camera once again pulls us into this cul-de-sac. You see, CG used to take nekkid photos of his ladies, but he's a changed man! (Editor's note: no, he's not.) So pretty much, they've met in the middle, but have to keep debating exactly where "the middle" is like two rival states negotiating precisely where the other can fish or whatever. It's just a pointless variation on the one true constant in this series: arguments about how much Ana ought to control her own life. And the answer is always "Not very mutteflushing much."
And the other, big underlying problem? It's boring. So most stories we read are about some internal transformation. But the thing is, since we don't have a like, shared hive-mind or whatever, the only way we can really understand another's internal transformation is through external evidence. Pretty straightforward, right? The best we can come to understanding another's thoughts is by looking at their actions and there are basically no actions in this book. Just endless, endless conversations about thoughts. Yawn.
Anyway after they circle the problem a few times, EL gets bored and heads toward a sex scene because that's the closest we ever get to any kind of resolution in this thing is just seeing them have sex again, which allows EL to pause the action before restarting the exact same thing again. They take turns snapping some pictures of each other and then they have a tickle fight because I guess maybe that's the sort of thing EL thinks a fun couple might do and she wants us to think these people are fun when, in fact, they are the least fun ever.
But look at this part, which is a fun part where EL says "lol fuck off, feminists!"
Right?! Groan. This book, and CG in particularly, constantly objectify Ana in all sorts of ways. And I get that this is complicated. I get that as many as millions of ladies read these books and find them empowering. I get all that. But that doesn't mean the book doesn't frequently treat Ana as an object with absolutely no agency. Because it does do that. And this moment feels like a spiteful, lazy response to legitimate criticism. But maybe that's an accident, since literally everything here feels like an accident. Oh well!
Here's a fun part:
I like this sentence because it summarizes the book's whole approach to Christian Grey. EL is trying to take his worst traits and somehow make us think that they're hot. That might be the litmus test for this whole phenomenon. Does CG's controlling, needy, overbearing nature make him seem "hot" or "dangerous"? If you answered "hot" you'll love this book, and I'm confused by you, but hey. Whatever peels your banana.
They go from tickling to fucking in like, three paragraphs, which is great because I know this whole thing can't last very long.
Annnnnd it doesn't. Good! I'm kind of tired about writing about their sex just because I expect they've had every kind of sex that they're going to have, basically, so it only feels worth talking about when something different happens.
Anyway they finish up and then there's a page of them repeating their marriage vows to each other back and forth which is pretty weird, right? That they have them memorized? Ok. I guess it makes some type of sense for CG to be way into vows since he's all excited about contracts or whatever. So, fine.
Anyway, CG seems particularly intent on keeping Ana safe because he said a vow or whatever. And why is he so concerned, right now, about her safety? Cue scary music!
Oh shit. Some arsonist damaged CG's property, which clearly was attempted murder obviously and CG is so mutterflushing gallant that he's all selfless and shit.
Let me repeat myself for the billionth time:
This shit takes place on page 77 of 551. (Editor's note: those of you not reading unlicensed downloaded copies may have different pagination.) Of the third book in a trilogy.
Think about that bullshit. In a trilogy, the hero is starting to develop some familiarity with some kind of danger in the third book. The third book! Goddammit.
I'm going to throw out a plug here because I'm reminded of a pretty good joke from a show I like. Have you heard of "The Best Show"? It used to be on freeform radio station WFMU but now it's on the web after about a year's hiatus. Listening to it can feel a little bit like jumping into the middle of a long run of comic books, because even tho it's mostly a call-in talk show, lots of the humor comes from long-running jokes and it can take a while to get into the loop. And, the set comedy pieces often stretch quite long, but I think they're well worth the ride. You can check some of the comedy pieces with the call-in sections trimmed at an archive courtesy of WFMU. Good way to get acquainted with the style, and see if it's for you.
But anyway. Short story long: on a recent episode, the host, Tom Scharpling, joked about the idea of a series of 50 Shades movies as directed by Peter Jackson. Each book broken down into three books for a 27-hour epic. And it's all CGI and filmed in New Zealand for some reason.
And I love the idea but the thing is, this is already not enough jam spread over too much bread. So little plot! This arson thing--if this were a tv show, that would've happened during the cold open. They would've gotten the arson out of the way before the credits! But this series waits until an eighth of the way into the concluding novel to introduce danger. I mean other than the danger that CG still just might be a secret murderer.
But you get me. This thing is glacial. Oh but not like an iceberg, because there's nothing under the surface.
Anyway after they talk about arson for a sec Ana tries to start another tickle fight and CG says he doesn't like it because of that whole thing where nobody can touch him. That thing from earlier. And then they take a selfie together and that's almost the end of this chapter. Just a couple of super pointless little scenes at the end to deal with.
We get a quick, aggressively pointless 1-page scene in which our heroes tour Versailles. Having a harder and harder time understanding the details of their travel. So we've been led to believe that our heroes have been honeymooning on the Mediterranean coast of France and in Monaco. Checks out. Last chapter, or sometime, whatever--they visited St. Paul de Vence. Cool. That's reasonably close to the sea.
BUT! Versailles? Versailles is about a thousand kilometers to the north of St. Paul de Vence. So what the hell? And their home base remains this boat so like. Um. Whut?
It's one thing for EL to get all this stuff wrong about America. A thing that annoyed me in particular in the first book were Ana and Christian's cross-country travels. They just flew from the Northwest to the Southeast basically on a whim, as tho it weren't a cross-country flight but instead a quick train to the next town over. I mean, it wasn't like the flights were that short, but Ana bought her ticket the day of her flight and of course nobody ever does that ever ever.
But this? This is France. This is close by. EL must know where Versailles is on a map, at least roughly. I mean mustn't she? I haven't been to Versailles. But when our heroes appeared there, my knowledge of French geography was at least enough that I said, "Hey wait a sec" and pulled up a map. "Hey isn't Versailles basically Paris kinda?" Yes. Yes it basically kind of is.
EL staged the scene there because I don't know why. Something about Versailles being rich and CG being rich. C'mon. There are other rich places. And both the St. Paul de Vence part and the Versailles part just read like wikipedia articles. The Versailles part is particularly useless because you or I could've done it just as well. Could've, without research, written a one-page scene in Versailles for Ana and CG and it would've been just as good. Suchhhh a bummer. Why waste our time with this stuff, EL? We could just read wikipedia ourselves, you know. We don't need you to dumb it down for us.
Then we get an equally pointless scene back on the boat that is unnecessary connective tissue to introduce an email from Ana's ol pal, Kate. You may remember Kate as being one of my fave characters, if only because she's around rarely and hates Christian. Doesn't take much to earn my love. In these dark times, the smallest acts of kindness seem magnified.
Kate asks Ana about the fire, and then they chat on Skype for like, one page. Kate doesn't tell Ana anything we care about and Ana doesn't tell Kate anything we don't already know.
Oh and then Ana has a "nightmare." I call it a "nightmare" instead of a nightmare because I am having a hard time figuring out exactly what's so scary about it. I mean, here: you read it. You tell me. Am I missing something?
Right? So they're in a place and then Christian walks somewhere? Aight. That's quite the nightmare! Ugh. And that's the end of the chapter.
I actually wrote about these last few scenes after concluding an essay called "Chapter 4 part 1" but then I started writing part 2 and even though I had about 6 pages left, those last 6 pages are aggressively worthless. This whole chapter is. Absolutely no reason for it to be in this book at all. I mean even if we accept this book as a worthwhile endeavor, this chapter could be snipped out with absolutely no loss to the reader's understanding of its events or themes.
This thing is really treading water now. Treading water like I can't even believe. There really isn't any book in this book. Just think about how little we got to here. Ana bought a camera. And went out on a jet ski. And then she learned that the fire from the previous chapter was arson, which every reader assumed from the beginning. Why did I even read this? Not sure. I mean, habit, I guess?
Cool. Let's do this again real soon.
Look at that second pair of sentences tho. C'mon. Did nobody edit this? Of course nobody edited it. Fake writing tip: "Hey if you want to make sure people know that a character is enjoying herself, just have her use the word 'fun' a lot and then people will understand that fun is happening!"
Anyway CG sees her zipping around in her jet ski and he's obviously not happy but he's also not flipping out. Or at least if he is we don't know and that's fine. I prefer this book when he's hiding out in his office or whatever anyway so no problem there. They get to shore and Taylor tells Ana that CG is displeased. And we knew from the start that this was going to result in a fight because everything results in a fight so no surprises here.
Here's a fun bit:
I cannot believe how fond I am of Taylor, but I really don’t appreciate being scolded by him—he’s not my father or my husband. Crap, Christian’s mad—and he has enough to worry about at the moment. What was I thinking?Thanks for the editorial, EL! It's cool for husbands and fathers to scold ladies! But other people? Not cool, guys! #feminism.
I hate how Ana zigzags all the mutterflushing time. She knows that CG is super pissy, so she purposefully hid her jet ski adventures from him. And then when he does get mad, just like she knew he would, she's all "Oh noes! What have I done?!" I hate how she seems, at times, to delight in angering CG, but then flips out. This book would be so much better if she purposefully irritated CG to delight herself. That could legitimately be a fun dynamic! Kinda feels like EL has that idea, and can't pull it off, or else has that idea, but won't commit to it.
It's fine tho cause CG calls up Ana and she apologizes immediately. But it turns out that CG is, for the first time ever, chill. So I guess I'm bored that there's no dramatic tension in the book but relieved that we don't have to replay the constant happy / mad / sex / happy / mad / sex sine wave that dominates this trilogy. At least for the moment.
Here's what he says: “Well, far be it for me to curtail your fun, Mrs. Grey. Just be careful. Please.”
Jesus. I remember discussing the word "lam" with some fellow writing students years ago. "Lam" only works in the context of "on the lam" and so I'll be impressed if you can point me to any other usage. A word that literally only works as a cliché.
EL is like a cliché generator. Or like maybe CG is reading the book too and that's why he knows to use the word "curtail" because Ana just said it a page back. EL's overall vocabulary is quite limited, so when you see a word like "curtail" you almost know you'll be seeing it again, and soon.
After their phone conversation they repeat the same conversation again over emails on their respective blackberries because I don't know why. No idea why! Absolutely no excuse.
Ana immediately declares that she hates shopping after insisting on shopping. Ana lists several brands of things that she won't be purchasing and then goes into a touristy store and buys a cheap anklet and this makes her happy for reasons that are lost on me. Pinterest is a good site to consult if you want to buy your own. There are many, many, many versions for you to choose from.
Ana decides she needs to buy CG a present because EL has no idea what to do with these characters when they are apart from each other and is pretty much phoning it in.
Oh here's a cool part tho!
When I spy an electronics store, our visit to the gallery earlier today and our visit to the Louvre come back to me. We were looking at the Venus de Milo at the time . . . Christian’s words echo in my head, “We can all appreciate the female form. We love to look whether in marble or oils or satin or film.”
It gives me an idea, a daring idea. I just need help choosing the right one, and there’s only one person who can help me. I wrestle my BlackBerry out of my purse and call José.
Oh snap! You are so goddamn right Ana! Having your photographer-friend José take naked pictures of you for CG is very daring! You have my attention, EL! The scene ends with Ana narrating, "I tell him my plan" and the "him" is José and the "plan" is, I am going to continue assuming, boudoir photography, perhaps with BDSM themes, since that's what CG is most into. Nice job, EL! Just when I thought this was going to be boring forever, you introduce this risky scheme. Really going to challenge CG's jealousy. I'm sure that this is going to pay off!
Next scene:
Two hours later, Taylor helps me out of the motor launch onto the steps up to the deck. Gaston is helping the deckhand with the Jet Ski. Christian is nowhere to be seen, and I scurry down to our cabin to wrap his present, feeling a childish sense of delight.
Huh. Ok well. Probably José didn't take any sexy photos since he's in Portland or wherever and Ana is in, I dunno, Europe? But José probably knows all photographers and was able to suggest a sexy photographer for Ana so I'm sure the present she's wrapping are sexy photos and when he sees them he's going to have to resolve an interesting conflict between his jealousy and his excitement about this gift. Can't wait for this to pay off, EL!
CG opens the gift and it's totally just a camera. Borrrrringggg. Nothing ever pays off.
Ok so this next scene? with the present? It's one of the worst in the series.
I mean I say that all the time, yes. And a person could make a case that any random scene in the entire series is one of the worst in the series, yes. But the problem, for me, is the way that this scene encapsulates some of the book's core weaknesses.
Basically, our heroes are working on their conflicts by repeating their parameters endlessly. We said at the beginning that when CG was trying to get Ana to be the sub to his dom, the most clichéd outcome, and therefore most likely outcome, was for them to meet somewhere in the middle. Meaning that CG wouldn't have total control over Ana's life--just the "regular" authority the patriarch might enjoy in the regular patriarchy. Yay! Happily ever after!
So they've basically reached that point. Reached it quite a while ago. But that doesn't stop us from circling around it endlessly. The camera once again pulls us into this cul-de-sac. You see, CG used to take nekkid photos of his ladies, but he's a changed man! (Editor's note: no, he's not.) So pretty much, they've met in the middle, but have to keep debating exactly where "the middle" is like two rival states negotiating precisely where the other can fish or whatever. It's just a pointless variation on the one true constant in this series: arguments about how much Ana ought to control her own life. And the answer is always "Not very mutteflushing much."
And the other, big underlying problem? It's boring. So most stories we read are about some internal transformation. But the thing is, since we don't have a like, shared hive-mind or whatever, the only way we can really understand another's internal transformation is through external evidence. Pretty straightforward, right? The best we can come to understanding another's thoughts is by looking at their actions and there are basically no actions in this book. Just endless, endless conversations about thoughts. Yawn.
Anyway after they circle the problem a few times, EL gets bored and heads toward a sex scene because that's the closest we ever get to any kind of resolution in this thing is just seeing them have sex again, which allows EL to pause the action before restarting the exact same thing again. They take turns snapping some pictures of each other and then they have a tickle fight because I guess maybe that's the sort of thing EL thinks a fun couple might do and she wants us to think these people are fun when, in fact, they are the least fun ever.
But look at this part, which is a fun part where EL says "lol fuck off, feminists!"
“I’ll objectify you then,” I murmur, pressing the shutter again. On the final still his lips twitch almost imperceptibly. I press again, and this time he smiles . . . a small smile, but a smile nevertheless. I hold down the button once more and see him physically relax in front of me and pout—a full-on, posed, ridiculous, “Blue Steel” pout, and it makes me giggle. Oh, thank heavens. Mr. Mercurial is back—and I’ve never been so pleased to see him.
“I thought it was my present,” he mutters sulkily, but I think he’s teasing.
“Well, it was supposed to be fun, but apparently it’s a symbol of women’s oppression.” I snap away, taking more pictures of him, and watch the amusement grow on his face in super close-up. Then his eyes darken, and his expression changes to predatory.
Here's a fun part:
And suddenly the nature of his kiss alters, no longer sweet, reverential and admiring, but carnal, deep and devouring—his tongue invading my mouth, taking not giving, his kiss possessing a desperate needy edge.
I like this sentence because it summarizes the book's whole approach to Christian Grey. EL is trying to take his worst traits and somehow make us think that they're hot. That might be the litmus test for this whole phenomenon. Does CG's controlling, needy, overbearing nature make him seem "hot" or "dangerous"? If you answered "hot" you'll love this book, and I'm confused by you, but hey. Whatever peels your banana.
They go from tickling to fucking in like, three paragraphs, which is great because I know this whole thing can't last very long.
Annnnnd it doesn't. Good! I'm kind of tired about writing about their sex just because I expect they've had every kind of sex that they're going to have, basically, so it only feels worth talking about when something different happens.
Anyway they finish up and then there's a page of them repeating their marriage vows to each other back and forth which is pretty weird, right? That they have them memorized? Ok. I guess it makes some type of sense for CG to be way into vows since he's all excited about contracts or whatever. So, fine.
Anyway, CG seems particularly intent on keeping Ana safe because he said a vow or whatever. And why is he so concerned, right now, about her safety? Cue scary music!
He sighs and opens his eyes, his expression bleak. “It’s arson,” he says
simply, and he looks suddenly so young and vulnerable.Oh fuck.
“And my biggest worry is that they are after me. And if they are after me—” He stops, unable to continue.
“. . . They might get me,” I whisper. He blanches, and I know that I have finally uncovered the root of his anxiety. I caress his face.
Oh shit. Some arsonist damaged CG's property, which clearly was attempted murder obviously and CG is so mutterflushing gallant that he's all selfless and shit.
Let me repeat myself for the billionth time:
This shit takes place on page 77 of 551. (Editor's note: those of you not reading unlicensed downloaded copies may have different pagination.) Of the third book in a trilogy.
Think about that bullshit. In a trilogy, the hero is starting to develop some familiarity with some kind of danger in the third book. The third book! Goddammit.
I'm going to throw out a plug here because I'm reminded of a pretty good joke from a show I like. Have you heard of "The Best Show"? It used to be on freeform radio station WFMU but now it's on the web after about a year's hiatus. Listening to it can feel a little bit like jumping into the middle of a long run of comic books, because even tho it's mostly a call-in talk show, lots of the humor comes from long-running jokes and it can take a while to get into the loop. And, the set comedy pieces often stretch quite long, but I think they're well worth the ride. You can check some of the comedy pieces with the call-in sections trimmed at an archive courtesy of WFMU. Good way to get acquainted with the style, and see if it's for you.
But anyway. Short story long: on a recent episode, the host, Tom Scharpling, joked about the idea of a series of 50 Shades movies as directed by Peter Jackson. Each book broken down into three books for a 27-hour epic. And it's all CGI and filmed in New Zealand for some reason.
And I love the idea but the thing is, this is already not enough jam spread over too much bread. So little plot! This arson thing--if this were a tv show, that would've happened during the cold open. They would've gotten the arson out of the way before the credits! But this series waits until an eighth of the way into the concluding novel to introduce danger. I mean other than the danger that CG still just might be a secret murderer.
But you get me. This thing is glacial. Oh but not like an iceberg, because there's nothing under the surface.
Anyway after they talk about arson for a sec Ana tries to start another tickle fight and CG says he doesn't like it because of that whole thing where nobody can touch him. That thing from earlier. And then they take a selfie together and that's almost the end of this chapter. Just a couple of super pointless little scenes at the end to deal with.
We get a quick, aggressively pointless 1-page scene in which our heroes tour Versailles. Having a harder and harder time understanding the details of their travel. So we've been led to believe that our heroes have been honeymooning on the Mediterranean coast of France and in Monaco. Checks out. Last chapter, or sometime, whatever--they visited St. Paul de Vence. Cool. That's reasonably close to the sea.
BUT! Versailles? Versailles is about a thousand kilometers to the north of St. Paul de Vence. So what the hell? And their home base remains this boat so like. Um. Whut?
It's one thing for EL to get all this stuff wrong about America. A thing that annoyed me in particular in the first book were Ana and Christian's cross-country travels. They just flew from the Northwest to the Southeast basically on a whim, as tho it weren't a cross-country flight but instead a quick train to the next town over. I mean, it wasn't like the flights were that short, but Ana bought her ticket the day of her flight and of course nobody ever does that ever ever.
But this? This is France. This is close by. EL must know where Versailles is on a map, at least roughly. I mean mustn't she? I haven't been to Versailles. But when our heroes appeared there, my knowledge of French geography was at least enough that I said, "Hey wait a sec" and pulled up a map. "Hey isn't Versailles basically Paris kinda?" Yes. Yes it basically kind of is.
EL staged the scene there because I don't know why. Something about Versailles being rich and CG being rich. C'mon. There are other rich places. And both the St. Paul de Vence part and the Versailles part just read like wikipedia articles. The Versailles part is particularly useless because you or I could've done it just as well. Could've, without research, written a one-page scene in Versailles for Ana and CG and it would've been just as good. Suchhhh a bummer. Why waste our time with this stuff, EL? We could just read wikipedia ourselves, you know. We don't need you to dumb it down for us.
Then we get an equally pointless scene back on the boat that is unnecessary connective tissue to introduce an email from Ana's ol pal, Kate. You may remember Kate as being one of my fave characters, if only because she's around rarely and hates Christian. Doesn't take much to earn my love. In these dark times, the smallest acts of kindness seem magnified.
Kate asks Ana about the fire, and then they chat on Skype for like, one page. Kate doesn't tell Ana anything we care about and Ana doesn't tell Kate anything we don't already know.
Oh and then Ana has a "nightmare." I call it a "nightmare" instead of a nightmare because I am having a hard time figuring out exactly what's so scary about it. I mean, here: you read it. You tell me. Am I missing something?
I am in the Hall of Mirrors and Christian is standing beside me, smiling down at me with love and affection. You look like an angel. I beam back at him, but when I glance into the looking glass, I’m standing on my own and the room is gray and drab. No! My head whips back to his face, to find his smile is sad and wistful. He tucks my hair behind my ear. Then he turns wordlessly and walks away slowly, the sound of his footsteps echoing off the mirrors as he paces the enormous room to the ornate double doors at the end . . . a man on his own, a man with no reflection . . . and I wake, gasping for air, as panic seizes me.
Right? So they're in a place and then Christian walks somewhere? Aight. That's quite the nightmare! Ugh. And that's the end of the chapter.
I actually wrote about these last few scenes after concluding an essay called "Chapter 4 part 1" but then I started writing part 2 and even though I had about 6 pages left, those last 6 pages are aggressively worthless. This whole chapter is. Absolutely no reason for it to be in this book at all. I mean even if we accept this book as a worthwhile endeavor, this chapter could be snipped out with absolutely no loss to the reader's understanding of its events or themes.
This thing is really treading water now. Treading water like I can't even believe. There really isn't any book in this book. Just think about how little we got to here. Ana bought a camera. And went out on a jet ski. And then she learned that the fire from the previous chapter was arson, which every reader assumed from the beginning. Why did I even read this? Not sure. I mean, habit, I guess?
Cool. Let's do this again real soon.
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